Day Twenty: Lithuania

Jill sez: Bron and I are in Lithuania. I don't know why, but I expected there to be batteries everywhere. But there's not.
How odd.
Here we are with a fanastic statue of James Earl Jones that had been carved from the same quarry Michaelangelo's David came from. The sculptor had spared no expense - there were rubies in the eyes and genuine topaz had been ground up and layered over the clothing to make it bright and colorful. There were tiny lights in his hair. I will never forget the sight as long as I live. I'm really glad we took a picture to commemorate it.
Someone passing by made a comment about how bad my clothes smell. That was rude. When I hit him, he just sort of shrugged like he didn't care. That, also, is rude.
Someone else came up and asked what was wrong with Bron's hair.
I didn't know what she meant so I stole her dog.
I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my people skills are not what they should be.

I dunno. Bron seems happier these days. I wonder why.


Bron Sez: I'm so depressed

Day Nineteen: Alaska

Jilll sez: After the kerfuffle on Canada, we ran on foot as far as we could go: Alaska. Here we are in Juneau. Bron is pointing at some snow about to fall on us and I am, as you can see, okay with it.

We toured around the city until we met abrush pilot. Bron drank him under the table and we stole his plane. Thank goodness Bron knows how to fly.

Bron Sez: I'm writing from the cock pit! Look at me... *dip* hehe.. only joking. Yes aparantly the crying was genuine and Jill had had a few run ins in Canada before... How was I to know? Jeez.
Anyway, so will be landing soon in ... well... you'll find out tomorrow...

Day Eighteen: Canada

Jill sez: Some time around 2:00am I was rudely awakened by someone clonking me on the head and stuffing me into a large canvas bag. I don't know why she bothered with the bag and the clonking, because I knew it was Bron from the constant laughter.
I was loaded onto a truck and carted for miles and miles. Or so it seemed. I heard gruff voices telling lewd jokes - all the time Bron was laughing and

laughing.

After what seemed like days, I was pushed roughly off the back of the truck - still inside the bag - and I heard Bron jump off and yell "cheers!" as the truck drove away.

I know her well enough by now to know that that word, Cheers, is a strange code word where she comes from. It can mean "thank you" or "yes" or "there you go" or "here's a woman in a bag for sale - any takers?"

I heard Bron sigh deeply. Then she opened the bag.

"Wakey wakey!" she cried, happily.

I looked around me. O dear god. No.

No!

We're in...

(shudder!)

CANADA!!!!

Bron Sez:

I knew Jill would be excited to wake up in a new land... and a nice snowy cold one at that... rock on. I especially liked the bit where she cried, with Joy I'm assuming. Next stop.... TORONTO! Where Jill will probably cry some more, especially when those Mounties get hold her... cries of passion... oh yes... I know it... I know it...

Day Seventeen: Vegas

Bron Sez: We decided it was the right time to go and win some money, so we headed over the pond to Jill's neck of the woods, LAS VEGAS!
I was rather pleased as I managed to win about $20... I put in only $78 as well! that's pretty good going as far as I'm concerned.
Jill won a dollar! ROCK ON JILL!
I have decided to surprise Jill with our next destination.... hopew she likes it... I had to steal her passport to get the tickets...



Jill sez: Winning money was cool, but my favorite part was going to the shows. Damn, Tom Jones can still rock it, can't he? He called me "Sex Bomb" when I met him back stage. I can still hear his sexy voice...
"All right, Sex Bomb, get the hell out of my dressing room before I call security."
Hubba hubba!
We also went to a drag queen show, but Bron wouldn't believe that the lovlely girls were all actually men, at first.
"Look at their hands and feet, Bron" I said to her.
"But you have big hands and feet," she said, pointing to my size 10.5 shoes.
"Well, yes... but... uh..."
"I knew you used to be a man," Bron said, really loudly during a quiet lull in the music.
Everyone turned to look at me.
"No, I'm all woman," I yelled, "And anyone who doesn't believe me is in for an ass-kickin'!"
One of the drag queens, Miss Velvet Duvet, came over and calmed me down by letting me wear her feather boa. We traded shoes. Then, she showed Bron her thingie.
We all won that night.
Bron Sez again: Yeah... and what a thingie it was!

Day Sixteen: Switzerland!

Bron Sez: We finally figured out where we were with the help of this handy sign... phew! I was beginning to get really worried. Especially when Jill flipped out and started beating up people again... luckily this time she mostly retrained herself to animals.
We only really spent enough time here to be a bit freaked out and have a quick ski. Once again, glad I kept the duffell.
Jill has been all cagey about how she got us on the ski slopes for free, but so what, I was just glad of the exercise..

Jill Sez: I beat up three cats, six dogs, and a goat.
Oh, and some old man with a little girl who had her hair in two braids. That's MY look, suckas!

Anyway, after skiiing we did some snowboarding and some snowmobiling and some snowshoeing. Then we built a snowman and a snow-woman and some snow children with little snow-lice in their snow-hair.
Then I beat them all up.
After that I felt guilty so I built a snow-priest to confess to. He said I should turn myself in to the authorities. So I built a snow-precinct and turned myself in to the snow-policechief. I built a small snow-holdingcell where I had to sit for seven snowhours with nothing to eat but snow.
I rattled my snow-cup on the snow-bars but it didn't do any good.

The the snow-judge I built bargained with my snow-lawyer and I was set free.
I've never been happier to have my freedom back.

Bron watched me do all this and cried for a little while.

Day Fifteen: Not quite sure still

Bron Sez: We are wandering around, and we can use Euro's but we still don't know where we are! I am guessing Holland or somewhere like that... we have seen signs for the airport and are heading that way anyway.
On our way we saw a big stallion statue and took a picture with it... but that's all today... I'm getting a little scared...

Jill Sez: Horsies!
Hee hee!
I totally have no idea where we are. Maybe we're in Spain. Spain would be nice. I've always wanted to see it, so I'm going to pretend we're there.

Mmm... Spain.

So how come no one speaks Spanish?

Fine. I'll just learn to speak Hollandais - or whatever.

Day.... Fourteen?: ????

Jill slurs: We still don't know where we are, but all the clocks are yellow. And the people are all, like.... peopley.

Oh gross, Bron just bazooka-barfed on my shoes.

Oh well. It happens to the best of us at one time or another.

I think we'd better go try to find some coffee. And maybe some corn chips.

And some ice cream. I want shrimp. Hey, Bron, can you imagine what shrimp ice cream would taste like?

Oh man. She just barfed on me again.

Bron Sez: Oh god... I feel dreadful... I really want to go home :(

Day Thirteen: Amsterdam

Bron Sez: Unlucky for some! Jill especially, she spent most of the day in Police Custody. One call later, and she was out, nto sure who she called. But everyone was bowing and scraping to her after that... weird.
Today we hired a car, so that no one on the streets would recognise Jill. Aparantly there was some trouble here a few years ago. Why doesn't THAT surprise me?
I'm beginning to think Jill has anger issues, and will probably have to discuss that with her at some point. When I'm not so scared.
We went to a cafe today and I had a brownie. I must say I didn't like it much, so Jill ate the rest of it, and then a few more, and then a few more.. she must have been hungry, but I think she ate too much as she came over all giggly and tired and a bit red eyed. I was tired too though so I had a sleep while she drove us around. When I awoke we were in a tulip field... I'm not sure if we're still in Amsterdam... and Jill is still asleep.

Jill sez: Oh man... I am starving. and everything is sort of... I don't know. But that's okay.
I can't seem to grasp what people are saying to me. I'm super-thirsty. Bron is asleep. We're outside.

Oh man.

I don't know where we are. I don't feel so good.

I really want some potato chips.

And I really don't know where we are.

Day Twelve: Ireland

Bron Sez: NOW! If I knew we were coming here I wouldnt have thrown away my duffell so quickly! I had to dig it out of the airport bins... the amount of pairs of scissors and bottles of water that were all over it... and this weird white powder that made all my problems go away for a little while... hmm
Jill and I made friends again on the flight over, which is good. Plus she still had a load of money from New York so she gave me some of that, which helped matters.
Today we saw the Liffey, lots of Irish people, I ate some soda bread, Jill ate some shamrock, and we had a generally just good time.
There was a weird moment where Jill went up to a 'little person' and asked where the pot of gold was or something. I must say, he didn't look impressed. He directed her to his pocket and told her to look around in there for some gold. After about 5 minutes, and some interesting facial expressions, Jill gave up and told me it was a complete con. Ah well. Ah to be gone for sure, siantcha (sp)

Jill Sez: Ah, my own, beloved Ireland. Land of green hills and red-haired people. I would fit in so well if only I were 7 inches shorter. That guy was totally a Leprechaun, Bron! I didn't find any gold but he did give me 6 Euro. Which is like... $700 US dollars, he said. I think he said that.
Besides some lovely shamrock I also had pistachio ice cream and some Guinness. Then I got into a fight. Or two. I forget. Guinness is awesome. I totally just had some. For reals, y'all.
I'm glad Bron is my friend again. The world is so empty without her. Soooo empteeeeeee.... Sigh.
Oh, here comes that handsome barkeep again. I'm'a have me 'nother Guinness.
So, like, the guys here are so nice! I haven't had to pay for any of my drinks because these really sweet old men keep buying them for me. Aw. So much nicer than Americans, that's for sure.
Well, some Americans anyway. Not, like, all Americans - just the crappy ones.
I want some, like, corned beef or something.
Aw, man - now some gobshite at the bar is mouthing off about tourists. He'd better not be talking about Bron and me.
Oh he is.
Now he's going on about big American cars. Sucka better not make this personal.
Oooh, he just did.
Dang. I gotta go open me a can of whoop-ass on him now.
Y'all take care. I gotta go beat someone up.

Day Eleven: Hawai'i!

Jill Sez: To make Bron happy, we went somewhere sunny and bright with palm trees and coconuts and sand. Bleh. I hate it here.

Bron Sez: YAY! I love it here! It's so toasty warm I threw away my duffell! I love the palm trees and all that. So much better than the stupid versions you find at home in people's rockeries. I have been for a swim in the sea, and drank some sea water.... even that tastes sweet.... right up the point until you throw up.
I have deicded to avoid Jill for a while, she's got really weird. I'm pretty sure she's stealing my clothes. At least, I know I'm missing underwear....

Jill's Sidenote: How to attract someone

Step One: Hygeine! Make sure you are as clean and kissably-fresh as possible.
















Step Two: Pick all of the spinach out of your teeth. Again, no one will want you if you have green crud in your teeth. Use a mirror and really dig deep into those crevices.




















Step Three: Eat a healthy meal. You will want to have lots of energy for the courting process. On second thought, you may want to do this first and THEN clean your teeth. Well, whatever works for you, I guess.




















Step four: Dress casually, yet professionally. Maybe get a pair of sexy sunglasses. Practice putting on a sexy pout. No one can resist that.






















Step five: Once you are clean, well-fed, and groomed adequately, get the object of your desire in your sights and give that person a gentle, come-hither look. Be subtle. Subtlety is good.
















Step six: Tell a funny joke. Everyone loves a funny person! Right? Am I right?
















Step seven: Do NOT be discouraged if the love of your life spits in your face and yells 'sod off, you damn lezzer!' - that person may just be playing hard-to-get.





















Step eight: If the one that you want does not want you, console yourself by riding public transportation until a casual grope reassures you that you are, after all, an attractive and pleasant individual.




















Step nine: If at first you don't succeed, well, to heck with it. Remain a celibate weirdo for the rest of your life.

Day Ten: Croatia

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Jill Sez: We got a litte tired of all the weirdness in China, so we went to Croatia.
It's a gentle land where all cooked animals are beheaded for your dining enjoyment.
I'm still on a Pocky high. I finished the last of the stuff I got in China and had to buy some from a nice gentleman in an alley behind the main square. It wasn't wrapped up in fancy packing, but it was cheaper. I bought as much as I could afford.
Then the guy tried to shortchange me. How rude!
So I beat him up and took all of his Pocky and most of my money back. I hate rude people.

In other news, I think I may be beginning to annoy Bron.

Bron Sez: Yeah, I think Jill is beginning to go a bit mad. She keeps saying "Are you OK?" "Do you hate me" "can I touch you?"... it's all getting a little annoying. I'm not sure how longer I can stand this trip... Am going to head out for a walk........... OK, back after the walk. It was dark and I was really enjoying the views and the like, but then Jill got all weird. I think I may have to stay away from her for a little while... she obviously has travelling related proximity issues or something...

Jill Sez: I only just noticed... There's something about Bron. Something... special. A certain gentle beauty and welcoming way about her. She makes me feel special and strange inside - like I've never felt before. Sometimes, when she looks at me I feel butterflies in my stomach and the whole world goes a bit swimmy. I just want to be near her - as close as possible - at all times.


If this feeling keeps up, I may give her my trademark come-hither look and see what happens.


Maybe I'm just sick from eating too much back-alley Pocky. I dunno. Whatever.

Day Nine: Still stuck in China

Bron Sez: Yup, we're still here! So much for what Jill said yesterday! I can't believe the things she got up to! I think Jill just likes the food too much or something.

Jill Sez: Pocky. Mmmmm..... pockeeeeeeeeee.... Pockypockypocky. Pocky. Pocketypocketypockety POCKY! Pocky!

Lickety Pocky! Yummmmmmmy Pockkkkkeeee!!!

POCKYPOCKYPOCKY!!!

Day Eight: China

Bron Sez: BLERGH! Greece was crap, and now China is evil!

Jill Sez: WHY?!? WHY are the HEADS still ATTACHED to these damn DUCKS?!?!? That's just nasty - I'm sorry, China, but it is.
I seriously don't want my food looking at me when I eat it. I really don't.
In fact, when I went into the Crispy Duck place and told the guy so, he said some rude things to me in Chinese. So we got into a fist fight and then he chased me into the street with a big cleaver-thingy.

That was fun.

I'm hungry, though.

Day Seven: Greece

Bron Sez: Here we are in Greece. I didn't really want to come here to be honest. I thought it would be far too hot, but as you can see, I am still wearing my duffell. Jill joked that I was taking the weather with me.
We didnt' get to spend much time here as Jill seemed to still be a bit scared of the police... I wonder what happened in NY?

Jill Sez: As far as we're all concerned I was never in New York and no one can prove nothin'.
So, we flew into Athens and took a walk just as the sun was setting over the Parthenon. For a brief moment, the sun broke through the clouds, bathing everything in pure, golden light.
It shone on the natural pink highlights in Bron's hair. It sparkled on the jewelry nestled against the think, black chest hair of our guide. Stavros. It illuminated everything in sheer beauty and I will never forget it as long as I live.
I love Greece and Greek food!
We went to McDonald's and I had a McGyro and some fries. Bron had curry chips.

I'm so glad we came here.

Let's go work on our tans, Bron!

Day Six: New York!

Bron Sez: We had a very exciting day in New York New York today. To the left you can see us on the tube as we were going to the Empire State Building. It was very tall, a bit too tall for me, I actually vomited just from looking at it. Jill went to the top and waved at me, then also vomited, killing a couple of tourists at the bottom. That was rather embarrassing.
So then we hopped on the tube again, I say tube, I think they call it the subway over here. But I thought that was where you got sandwiches from, it was all very confusing... anyway... here you can see Jill on the tube again on our way to the statue of liberty. We had to sit opposite each other as it was soooo busy. I think Jill was checking what stop we needed to get off at on this pic. When we got there we went to buy tickets for the boat thing, and Jill realised she didn't have her purse. I don't know where she could have lost it, silly girl. Anyway, we spent the rest of the day cancelling credit cards and the like, but it turns out that most of her money was gone already. I don't know what she's going to do. I'm certainly not going to to 'keep' her.. its her own silly fault for losing it!
Anyway, so then it got dark and late and we decided to head back to the airport to get ready to jet off again... I don't know wher Jill went on the way back, but she turned up with a whole load of mullah! Hmm.

Jill Sez: Sorry I didn't write on here sooner. I was in jail. But I'm out now, so no worries.
Anyway, yes - The Big Apple! Oh how I love New York! The buildings! The people! The smells! The smelly people in buildings! I love it all. Yes, I do.
And to the Canadian couple I barfed on from 102 stories up, I really am just awfully durn sorry. I think I made them feel better by calculating the barf's velocity thusly: 32 feet per second squared times 1, 250 feet is... a lot of really fast barf. Dreadfully sorry, Canadians.

Anyway, I think Bron and I had better get out of America for a while...

Bye, y'all!

Day Five: England still

Bron Sez:
We decided to stay in England and head up north a bit. We visited the sea and took delight in watching seagulls attack passers by.

Jill Sez:

Shortly after this photo was taken, a pigeon carrying a human finger in its beak flew right over my head.

One thing is for certain: you do NOT mess around with North England pigeons!!!

Later that day, we took a walk down to the sea and watched a gorgeous, colorful sunset. The sky was all purple and red and yellow and on fire and that's neat because the clouds caught the colors everywhere and... I will never forget it as long as I live.

Bron Sez again:

You can just see on that picture the two alien space ships that zapped us up and stole us away. It seemed like hours, but really it was probably only about a minute or so our time. They gave us cake, so I was happy, Jill complained about the state of the place though, as it was a bit messy. Any way, then they beamed up back down, we noticed we were walking a bit oddly, and deduced that that must have been the anal probing... why do they ALWAYS have to do that? One day they'll figure out how we all poop and have done with it... anyway...

Jill Sez again: Stupid aliens and their stupid poop-fixation. Ouch.

Day Four: London, England!

Jill sez: England! Beautiful, sunshiny, warm England! Everything is pretty and the people are kind and attractive. I can't always understand the good citizens of London, so I was lucky to have Bron with me who speaks English like a native.

Bron Sez: Here we are at Piccadily Square. It was very busy. Jill actualluy was mugged. But as is the way in the UK, it was only a bit of fun and the mugger appologised in a polite way and gave her her wallet back.
We ate ice cream.
I think I developed an unhealthy taste for it while scootering around Italy yesterday.
And have deicided to stick around and spend the evening out and around London...



Bron Sez again:
Here we are enjoying the London Eye... see how enamored I am of this amazing sight. Jill went up there and managed to stall the entire thing when she asked everyone in the carraige to jump up at the same time! Deary me!

Jill sez: That was so much fun! And it made the ride last a LOT longer. If nothing else, I got my money's worth. After we got out of the Eye-thingy, I got into a minor fistfight with a tourist from Oklahoma who said something disparaging about British food. At least, I think he did. I can't always understand people from Oklahoma.
Anyway, later that evening I had a very nice cup of tea and a crumpet. I like England.
Here we are near that pointy place where all the fancy people go to do English things or whatever.

I really love it here. English people are the best.

Day Three: Italy

Bron Sez:
Boy it was hot! I had to take my Duffel off! Today we sampled mostly icecream. I didn't really want anything else, I like pasta and all that, sure, but I can get that at home, and pizza too - there's a Domino's just down the road! So I ate LOADS of ice cream. My brain hurts.
We were walking down near all the touristy stuff when Jill suddenly decided to run over to a tall dark italian and totally smacked him in the mouth! Turns out he looked like someone she knew and she got confused for a second. ALso turned out that she looked like someone HE knew and he deserved it from that person. So it all worked out great, and he bought us some icecream.
I must admit all this jet setting it really tiring me out, today I think I spent most of my monthly budget on icecream....well, I suppose you only go on a trip like this once every lifetime... I'll have another gelato please!

JillSez:
It took a while for me to be totally convinced that he wasn't really a certain loser from New York I met a few years ago, but after the real Italian guy paid me the $50 I said he owed me, I knew he wasn't ol' whats-his-face. And that ice cream was awesome! We rented a Vespa and I drove around with Bron on the back while she stuffed her face with Domino's pizza. Once we blew through the $50 (whatever that translates into in Italian) we had to ride through crowded city centers so Bron could grab ice creams from toddlers. It took a while until she finally found her favorite flavor.
Then we skedaddled over to the Sistine Chapel. I would never have ridden the scooter in there, but Bron said she didn't feel like walking because she was a little tired from eating so much pizza and ice cream. Poor sweetie. So we rode around the main building there and met the pope. Bron gave him our last piece of Domino's pizza. She's so sweet like that.
Then we left for the airport, pausing only briefly while I got into a brief scuffle with a guy selling balloons.
It was another perfect day!

Day Two: Paris, France

Jill sez: Or should I put 'Day Deux'? Haw haw haw. Little joke there.
We got off the plane right in the middle of Fashion Week! Recognizing Bron and me as the beautiful international comedians that we are, John-Paul Gaultier himself grabbed us by the wrists and dragged us along with him to a fashion show where we were dolled up by internationally renowned makeup and hair artists. Then we were dressed in the most amazing dresses I'd ever seen! I wore one that was floor-length, skin-tight, and twinkled with tiny lights in strategic areas. Then they put me in 6-inch stiletto heels and I was made to walk down the runway. I slipped and fell twice and got into a fight with Kate Moss. It was awesome! Bron totally had my back, by the way. She called Kate some ugly names and forced her to eat a 'Chip Butty' that Bron had stashed in her pocket for just such an emergency. Kate's body, unused to calories and flavor, went into shock. So, we started a new fashion trend - "Coma Chic!"

Bron Sez:
She deserved it, all of it! Skinny twig. Anyway, after we did all that we went to the Eifell Tower (see pic... it's to the right of where we were), and that's exactly what happened - I FELL. Granted it was on the pavement right next to the great french attraction, but i grazed my knee and was not happy at all! Oh and look at the picture again, I love the people here! Check out that old man going past with the baggette under his arm! How quaint!
I tried to buy some candy floss with my10f only to discover that they now took the Euro! When did that happen? Sheesh.
At least it wasn't as embarrasing as Jill trying to make the locals understand her southern american drawl. "Merci y'all"
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